Falling Dreams
I have frequent dreams where I’m falling.
Are your eyes open?
Sometimes. I can feel myself falling through the sky, or down a building; from a tall height or down into a hole.
Do you see these places, or just feel them?
I feel them, and when I open my eyes, I see a flash of it before I wake up, like falling out of the dream back into my body.
Do you hear anything?
I hear voices.
Your own, or someone else’s?
Both. Sometimes I hear my own thoughts, sometimes it’s other people talking to me, or about me, or around me. It’s kinda hard to pinpoint. I sometimes hear my mother.
Are they unhappy things?
Very.
What sorts of things?
I’m a waste, not worth anything. I’m a terrible daughter, uncaring and unconcerned for my family. I’m a spoiled girl, who is too hard to please. I’m stubborn and unwilling to listen to reason, and think of things too simply. I’m easily duped into giving things up for the affections of another. Stupid.
You speak as if you accept them as fact.
I speak what they say from my point of view in a dream.
Do you believe them?
It’s quickly becoming difficult not to.
Is it affecting the way you interact with others?
I’ve become paranoid that people are trying to use me. I no longer sleep with my boyfriend. He needs to earn my affection.
Did you ever have this kind of opinion of your relationship before the dreams started?
No. I was perfectly happy. We were happy enough. I didn’t think to make him earn my love for him, but I guess he should. No girl should ever have to spend on the boy, right? He’s supposed to be the one taking care of her.
Does he not take care of you?
He’s… self-centered.
And you only realize this because of what you hear in your dreams?
Yes… but, see, I’m happy to just be with him. I love him. I want him to love me.
Is it not unrealistic to play that sort of game if you’re already together?
But it doesn’t feel like he loves me the same way I love him. He isn’t centering his life around me.
… What is your definition of love?
Selfless love for another. The willingness to do everything in your power for that person. To want a future with them. To want to freely express your feelings for someone.
And you feel your dreams are telling you that this is a one-sided love?
Maybe. Maybe I’m in denial.
Are you perhaps inheriting your mother’s fear of how people perceive you? Is it not enough that you are happy, even if he isn’t expressing his love in quite the same way as you do?
She is the last person I want to become. Scared, intimidated, but lashing out. Like a mouse cornered.
Do you love your mother?
Yes. She will always be my mother, even if she will never see life through my eyes.
Back to sleep then.
Yes, back to sleep…
